I will revisit this at the end: how we consistently think leads to how we feel.
Reframing
Step #1: What’re you feeling?
This is why writing down how you feel is so useful. It allows you to think through what your thoughts are. This step is a process of sorting through your story and look for signs of self-deception, self-justification, and cognitive distortions.
Step #2: Question your narrative. The benefit of the doubt
This is in line with the kind of person you choose to be, and it’s harder than it seems. If you choose to see the bad in people then it doesn’t really matter what someone did because you will always see the bad, but if you choose to see the good in people then, unless someone did something horrible and inhumane then I can understand the anger, it makes for the narrative to be in your favor. Their is not a right way to choosing a narrative, it just comes down to your values and how you choose to represent yourself. I think it’s better to choose to look at the situation through the lends of kindness lens rather than the lens of anger - I’m aware that’s easier said than done. :)
Being kind to others is not for others though, it’s for yourself. When you are angry and stay angry the only person you are truly hurting is yourself. Being kind will leave you to be more happier and peaceful, which is invaluable. Now that’s not to say to be kind all the time. As with anything in life you need boundaries otherwise people may take advantage and disrespect you.
Step #3: Consider alternatives, allowing you to be powerful rather than powerless
Are you going to let the situation and given circumstances leave you feeling powerless or powerful? Are you irritated or upset at someone and choosing to act in a similar manner as the person you’re upset at?
Like the song by Ice Cube, “Check Yo Self” applies here. Think of it this way, someone is so mad at another person for refusing to forgive them…Check yourself for the values you’d like to see, and then ask yourself if you are representing those values under a stressful time.
Now your ass screaming for the deputy They send you to Charlie-Baker-Denver row Now they runnin' up in you slow You're gone, used to be the Don Juan (check that shit out) Now your name is just Twan Switchin', snappin', rollin' your eyes and neck You better run a check So chickity-check yo' self before you wreck yo' self
Step #4: Regardless of the other person’s actions, you need to find a way to personal peace
You can not control everything in the situation, and choosing to be calm and collected in stressful times is to show to yourself that you are a calm and collected person, plus it gives you inner peace.
How to Deal With the Stress
Take a break from the heated debate or conversation, physically remove yourself from the room. If that is not possible then learn the skill of breathing under stress
o Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold it for 3 seconds, and exhale for 4 seconds – repeat 5-10 times. This is a powerful technique that triggers the parasympathetic nervous system which is responsible for rest and digest
- Do something that makes you feel calm, loved
- Write about what you feel
- Talking it out, beware of doing this and seeking someone for rationalizing how you feel because it can actually fuel what you are feeling. Try to find someone who offers a different perspective. Be careful not to fall prey in barking back at this person who maybe disagrees with you as that can lead to further issues
o This takes emotional maturity
If all fails, choose the Growth Mindset
What this means is if all else is not working, look into how the situation can make you a better and stronger person. When you think of it from this light it will challenge you to grow and thus gain emotional maturity. Think of life, circumstances, and people as robots and everyone that you come across in your life are there to test how you are going to react. Will you pass the test with a state of being calm and collected? Or will you fail the test with a state of getting worked up?
It's true that how we consistently think leads to how we feel. So if you now are aware of this it can make life a lot easier on your hands. May be you are being too rigid or may be the other person really is a jerk, it doesn’t matter though because it shouldn’t change how you choose to behave in the situation.
Those are a couple of pointers to keep in mind, but the main one is to practice breathing through the situation. They do this trick of breathing in the military for a reason..
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Be well,
Yelena
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